Depart of One
by The Last Leaf
Summary: Death changes people. Her departure left the people behind devastated, confused, and lost. Some deals with it through forgetting, while other remembers and dreams.


Disclaimer: I do not own VK, or "I could have danced all night", or the poem cited, or Newton's Law of Motion.

A/N: This is a very experimental piece, written during this break. Inspired by The Sound and The Fury by W. Faulkner. Completely AU. I hope that whoever reading this will like it. It is one of my more interesting fics.

Warning: Casual sex, drug use, and deaths

Depart of One

* * *

**Yuki**:

There are many things that one sacrifice to get into College, and Saturday mornings are one of them.

Yuki squatted down to take a picture of the perimeter. She walked around to the other side and took another picture of the old grave.

Volunteering for the National Grave Conservation Society means waking up early to go to graveyards and take pictures of old tombstones for the Society, where they check which ones needed to be repaired. In this particular graveyard, many famous locals were buried, so one gets fancy mausoleums and cracked statues, but history and time fades the condition of the graves.

Yuki usually didn't mind the job very much. There were never many people, except for the occasional funeral, but that was in the newer sections. She only worked in the old sections where the inscriptions on the tomb stones were so faded that she had to feel the surface to learn the name and dates.

Yuki walked closer to a stone and looked through the camera. She captured first the front side, then the eastern side, then western, and the back.

She checked the time. She had been working for the last three hours. It was almost noon.

She picked up the clipboard and skimmed through the plots that she worked through in the morning.

Then she began to start heading toward the little church where the operation base was.

She wondered briefly if that man will be on that bench again today, but she didn't have to wonder for a very long time, he was there, like always.

He was a handsome man, maybe that's why she paid attention to him. He sat on the bench across from a family plot with two tombstones that were a couple of years old.

She didn't know how long he would stay there, but he was always there before she got there and stayed until after she left.

There were always fresh flowers on those graves, and someone always would take out the wilted flowers to replace them with new ones every week.

Whoever lied there must have been very much loved.

She passed by him day after day.

He never spoke a word to her.

Until a rainy day, it was cold and Yuki barely had time to record two plots before she decided that it was too dark and raining too hard to do anymore.

She started on the little dirt path between the plot.

He was there. Rain water soaked through his hair and dripped down his face. But he sat there with glistening calla lilies before the tombstone.

"Hey…" She stopped in front of him.

He looked up at her, rather helplessly.

"Do you want my umbrella?" she offered to him.

His lips parted for a response.

She felt herself turn red before stuffing the collapsible umbrella into his hand and running off.

She buried her face into her hands with embarrassment and vowed to avoid him.

However, the next time she went to the graveyard, he caught up with her.

"Thank you." He gazed gently at her.

"No… problem," she stammered. She could barely look at him, blushing deeply. Then she took a step back, tripped over a piece of wood, and tumbled into a puddle of water.

"Are you alright?" The man stooped down to help her up and inquired with concern.

"I am fine." She wanted to die. Water seeped through her clothes and she could feel the wet coldness along her skin even her underwear was soaked. She sneezed.

"I live near here. Do you want to change into something there?" he asked, and then realized what he said and backtracked. "I don't mean any harm. My car is here. I could just drive you home." He slipped off his blazer and placed it over her shoulders.

"If you don't trust me," he took out a card holder from the inner pocket of the blazer, "Here is my card."

"You could just drive me home," Yuki looked down. She held onto the card, but didn't read it. She made a complete fool of herself.

He led her to his car, a slick European number. He drove smoothly and understood her directions perfectly through her stammering.

"Good bye." He saw to it that she arrived to her house, and locked the door behind her before driving away.

It was only then she read the card he gave her.

She mouthed the words silently under her breath, "Kaname Kuran…"

* * *

**Kaname**:

He didn't think much of the girl at the graveyard. Then again he didn't think much of anything beside business.

He knew what effect he had on women, and the young girl could not even speak to him calmly. But she seemed sweet and it touched him slightly with warmth.

When he returned to his house, a feeling of terror filled him with iciness.

His house was still brimming with her presence, even though she was no longer there.

He killed her.

The walls still hung with pictures from their wedding. She smiled brilliantly in her white dress like any newlywed bride, yet now ironically in the house that suffocated her to death.

She lingered in every corner of their house. She chose the dreamy house with white picket fence, the white-washed furnishing, and comfortable and classical furniture. She hung pictures of her and him on the walls. She bought roses and put them in vases on the table. The vases are empty now. She spread the new romantic sheets on their bed. Everything was so filled with dream, fantasies, and love.

Even though she left him, he was still trapped with her.

Was she going to punish him forever?

Kaname laid down on the couch, covering his eyes with his arm.

On the days he did not go to work, he had nothing else to do, but go to her grave and try to atone himself.

But the incident earlier brought him back home much earlier than he expected.

He thought about calling Ichijou, but remembered that tonight was the anniversary of Ichijou and his girlfriend.

Kaname believed that his wife and his first year anniversary were spent with her waiting for him to be home. He did arrive home very late and they did celebrate it.

But his wife had always been a very romantic person. She loved French films, candle-lit dinners, and long poems about Orpheus and his tragic love.

She often told him that she fell in love with him at first sight.

He didn't remember much from the first time they met, but she did and she recounted it to him often.

He seemed to see her, smiling at him with her loose blond hair, sitting by him on the white sofa.

"Remember?" she asked him, "Remember the time we first met? I first saw you entering the party. I was with my friends and I knew you were the one. You were beautiful, elegant, and so gentle. When I finally struck a conversation with you, you were charming and such a gentleman. You must have thought I was silly because I could barely contain my excitement and kept speaking too fast or too high-pitched. When you bid me goodbye, I thought it would be the last time I would ever see you."

"It wasn't," Kaname murmured, "It certainly wasn't."

He didn't remember the first time they met, but he does the second time. Kain invited him to dinner. He introduced her reluctantly to Kaname. She was sweet and charming, obviously attracted to him. Kaname didn't discourage it, even though he had a girlfriend at the time.

She confessed her love to him. "I've always loved you for such a long time." Maybe it was the sincerity in her eyes or the tenderness in her voice, but he accepted her, and broke up with his then girlfriend.

He looks at one of the frames on the side table. The picture was taken during their engagement party. Her loose curls were pinned up in a sophisticated bun. Her lovely body wrapped in a fit silk dress. Her face perfectly made up with a genuine happiness. Did he take that happiness away from her?

He recalled the exact moment that picture was captured like he remembers the exact moments of almost every event in his life.

That day, Takuma had pulled him aside to have a serious talk.

"Kaname," his normally joking eyes were hard, "Are you sure you are ready for this commitment?"

"Yes," Kaname answered him naturally. "If I wasn't then I wouldn't have proposed."

"Kaname… I've known you since we were in diapers. I don't think you know what you are doing." Ichijou frowned, "Marriage is a union between two people who love each other. Do you love her?"

"…I," Kaname looked away, "I do."

"Kaname," Ichijou sighed, "I don't believe you. I can hear the hesitation in your voice. A marriage without love will just make her miserable. I know because of what happened made you this way. But I don't want you to drag other people into this."

"I told you I love her," Kaname's lips thinned. "Do not bring my past into this."

"Kaname…."

Unfortunately Ichijou never finished his sentence since one of their common friends came by and announced that the photographer was here and his fiancée was looking for him.

She smiled brightly when she saw him approaching. Her eyes brimmed with love for him. She held out her hand, her fingers long and soft. He was surprised at how warm it was.

"Where were you?" she complained softly, "We were looking for you everywhere."

"Takuma and I had a talk," he didn't bother to explain anymore.

Her expression faltered a little. "Well at least you are here now."

She looked at him and smiled at the photographer.

There was a blinding flash of light.

A song came on, and she squealed with excitement with a little jump. The red petals adoring her light hair quivered.

She started humming the chorus under her breath as she pulled him toward the dance floor.

"Kaname, let's dance," she whispered into his ear as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

_"My head's too light to try to set it down! Sleep! Sleep!  
I couldn't sleep tonight.  
Not for all the jewels in the crown!  
I could have danced all night!  
I could have danced all night!  
And still have begged for more."_

They swayed to the music. She rested her chin on his shoulder and sang softly with the song.

Her scent lingered with him, something flowery and sweet. He could never place a finger on what she reminded him of.

_"I could have spread my wings  
And done a thousand things I've never done before.  
I'll never know What made it so exciting;  
Why all at once My heart took flight. I only know when he  
Began to dance with me I could have danced,  
danced, danced all night!"_

"I love you, Kaname Kuran," she confessed lightly, "For now and ever."

He could see in her bright green eyes that she meant it.

"I love you too," he murmured to her and felt her spirit soar from within her as she pressed a passionate kiss against his lips.

_"I could have danced all night,  
I could have danced all night.  
And still have begged for more.  
I could have spread my wings,  
And done a thousand things I've never done before.  
I'll never know What made it so exciting.  
Why all at once my heart took flight. I only know when he  
Began to dance with me I could have danced, danced,  
danced all night!"_

The music faded away.

Kaname opened his eyes.

He was not at his engagement party. The smell of food and, the taste of wine were fragments left from his imagination. His wife was dead. Her hands had become cold and stiff in his, and fell away.

He sat up. The rain had stopped, but the night arrived.

He had fallen asleep for a few hours, and woke up to complete darkness.

Kaname reached for the phone and dialed a number. He would like some company tonight.

The music from that night still rang in his ears.

* * *

**Ichijou**:

Ichijou thought himself as a very reasonable man.

He spent last night making a gourmet dinner, complete with tiramisu for desert. He spent thousands of dollars on an expensive bracelet. Then he whispered sweet nothing into his girlfriend's ear for the whole night. He believed he performed quite well in bed also.

So when she kicked him out of her apartment at six o'clock Monday morning, he was pretty confused.

He checked his cell phone to see if he had missed any important calls.

"What the fuck?" he murmured to himself when he saw ten missed calls. It was all from Kaname.

He tried to call back, but it rang forever and no one picked up.

Ichijou grew worried since Kaname's mental health had been pretty unstable since the death of his wife, which Ichijou did not believe was his fault.

He sighed and waved hand to catch a cab. He needed to go check on his best friend.

It was a short ride from the city to the suburbs. He watched the scenery change from tall gray giants of metal and steel to soft cookie cutter houses. It still weirded Ichijou out to see Kaname living in such cute and dainty house.

He noticed the expensive and obnoxious red Ferrari parked on the street and stifled a groan rising from his throat.

He tried knocking several times and pressed on the doorbell.

But no one answered the door.

Ichijou was getting annoyed, but his worry for Kaname deepened.

He took out the spare key he kept when he thought Kaname was going to drink himself to death. Not that the key had been gathering dust.

He unlocked the door and a strong stench of pot greeted him.

Ichijou groaned. He knew it.

He spotted some leftover line of white powder and empty bottles of good vodka lying around. It was like he had stepped into some after party frat house.

"I thought someone was here."

Ichijou smiled forcibly at the half-naked blond, who looked like he didn't sleep much, "Hey Aidoh. I see you are here."

Aidoh shrugged as he picked his a lacy button down shirt from the ground. "Kaname called me last night. He wanted to get fucked up."

"Isn't that a surprise," Ichijou remarked wryly. He bended down to start cleaning up.

"Where do you get this shit anyways?" he handed a bag of white podwer back to Aidoh. "You always have like ten ounces whenever I see you."

"I come prepared," Aidoh took it and stuffed it into his pocket brusquely. "I need to be going soon."

He grabbed the wallet and keys he left on the table. "I was worried about him. He sounded really depressed when he called me."

Aidoh started walking toward the door, but stopped suddenly, without turning around, he said, "I always thought it is not fair. I met him the same time as she did, and he chose her. But now that she is dead, I still don't have him. Physically maybe, but it is not fair that even in death, she refuses to let him go."

Ichijou frowned as he placed a half- empty bottle on the counter. "She doesn't have him. She is dead. She doesn't have anything."

"But I am still just a fuck buddy that he calls occasionally," Aidoh runs his hand through his messy hair with frustration.

"That is more than what she has," Ichijou said as he wiped the coffee table clean of drugs.

"But not what I want," Aidoh spoke to himself. "Whatever, I need to go. I will see you around,"

"Bye," Ichijou waved as the door closed behind Aidoh.

He cleaned up the living room and opened the window to let the smell out.

Ichijou looked around at his perfection and stifled a yawn.

He sat down on the sofa, thinking that he should go and wake Kaname up. But he didn't have much sleep last night and he wanted to take a small nap.

Ichijou woke up to the doorbell and wondered who it could be.

He stretched and staggered over to answer the door.

A young girl looked up oddly at him. She seemed to still be in high school with a naïve gleam in her brown eyes.

Ichijou exasperated in his mind, _'Kaname isn't hiring underage prostitutes… right?_'

"Hey," she spoke nervously, "Does Mr. Kuran live here?"

_Oh shit…._ Ichijou smiled awkwardly and nodded, "What business do you have with him?"

Then he heard footsteps coming toward him from inside the house. Kaname must have been woken up by the doorbell.

"Who's there, Takuma?" Kaname rubbed his brows, annoyed. He, too, was half naked, and the pants he tossed carelessly on were not even zipped.

"Do you know this young lady, Kaname?" Ichijou moved aside as Kaname stopped by him.

"You are the girl from the cemetery," Kaname answered Ichijou and he sighed in silent relief that the young girl wasn't a whore.

"Yes," the girl smiled happily to be remembered. "Your address was on the card you gave me."

Ichijou felt that he wasn't wanted. "I am going to make dinner. Do you want to stay for dinner?"

"What?" the young lady blushed, "Is Mr. Kuran okay with it?"

Kaname glanced at Ichijou and shrugged, running his fingers through his dark hair. "Sure." He turned and started toward his room. "I am going to take a shower."

The young lady parted her mouth to stay something, but he was too far away before she could speak.

"C'mon in," Ichijou said friendly. "I just cleaned this place."

"You are Mr. Kuran's…?" she gazed at him curiously.

"Friend. I had never gotten your name? I am Ichijou, but everyone calls me Takuma," Ichijou introduced himself as she followed him to the kitchen.

"Yuki Cross. I am just here to return Mr. Kuran's jacket," she took it out of her backpack, a crumpled pile of cloth. "It is Armani. I figured he would want it back."

Ichijou thought to himself, '_Well, not that it is worth much like this anymore_.'

He pulled out some pots and pans, pondering what to cook.

Ichijou was glad that he cleaned up that mess before she arrived.

He thought about Kaname and felt slightly broken. How did everything turn out this way?

Turning to alcohol, drugs, and sex to make himself forget, Kaname was just self-destructing slowly. The death of his wife and his stillborn child shattered Kaname. He still remembered when he got the call that Kaname's wife was in labor.

_She had been in the hospital for a couple of weeks. Her body was too small and frail to carry a child, yet she insisted on it._

"So how did you meet Kaname?" Ichijou asked casually.

_The smell of sterilized air, the chilliness of the white hospital hallway, Ichijou could never quite forget the sensation. It sent shivers down his back._

_He quickened his pace when he spotted the limp man on a bench._

"I was volunteering at the cemetery and he loaned me his jacket because I fell into a puddle," she answered, wondering as if she was unsure of what she should do.

_"How is she?" Ichijou stopped abruptly._

_"I don't know," Kaname looked up wearily. "I've been here since yesterday and…." He rubbed his pale face with frustration. "There was some complication. I don't know what…"_

_"Kaname," Ichijou sat down by his friend and hugged him tightly._

"That's nice of him," Ichijou replied idly as he started washing the vegetables.

_The nurse came out and called Kaname inside. Ichijou didn't follow. It wasn't his place._

_But through the clear window, he saw the nurses held a little blue infant as the doctor murmured something apologetic. He could not see Kaname's face, but he could feel something inside Kaname breaking slowly._

_Suddenly the nurse ran toward the monitor. The doctor stopped speaking and rushing forward toward Kaname's wife. He could see her feeble and pale face closing as if she was already pregnant with death._

"Mr. Kuran must have loved his wife a lot," Yuki remarked as she looked around.

She found a chair to sit in and began to look around curiously.

_He didn't know how he got through the rest of the day. He focused on taking care of Kaname, who appeared to have lost a will to live._

_But when he came to again, he was standing in a church, in a straight black suit. The wind that passed through chilled him to the bone. Kaname was standing next to him, staring emptily at the casket in front, adorned with white lilies._

_The priest spoke solemnly before them and spoke in a rusty and slow voice._

_"Death is nothing at all,  
I have only slipped into the next room  
I am I and you are you"_

"What made you say that?" Ichijou began to prepare the meat.

_"Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.  
Call me by my old familiar name,  
Speak to me in the easy way which you always used  
Put no difference in your tone,  
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow  
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.  
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me."_

_A girl next to him broke down in silent tears. Ichijou remembered that she is the wife's best friend. No, she was the best friend._

"There is always a fresh bouquet of calla lilies on her grave," Yuki replied.

_"Let my name be ever the household word that it always was,  
Let it be spoken without effect, without the trace of shadow on it.  
Life means all that it ever meant.  
It is the same as it ever was, there is unbroken continuity.  
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?"_

_It was difficult to think of her. He didn't know much about her beside the fact that she stole Kaname from Sarah. She was a very lovely woman, with long loose blond hair and green eyes. She was slender and willowy. She loved Kaname._

_Too bad they were no longer together._

_But it was easy to think of her as Kaname's ex-wife. Rather than…_

_Rather than an ex-person._

"That's interesting," he went with Kaname to her grave a couple of time before he realized that he wasn't wanted. Kaname didn't always bring flowers, only when he remembered. He never bought lilies either. He brought fat buds of red roses.

_"I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near,  
Just around the corner.  
All is well."_

_Ichijou stood up numbly as people around him shuffled._

_Men in dark suits came forward and pushed the casket on their shoulders._

_They began a slow march to the cemetery._

"Dinner is ready," Ichijou smiled brightly as he emptied the steak into individual plates and slid equal amounts of vegetable by the steak.

Yuki:

Kaname walked into the kitchen with a towel around his neck; water dripped from his wet hair.

"Nice timing," Ichijou grabbed placemats and quickly set up the table.

"Thanks Takuma," Kaname took a plate and sat down. He began cutting the streak elegantly.

Yuki couldn't help but stare at Kaname. He had long black hair flowing softly down his back, but it did not give an impression of untamed mane, but more of a princely charm. He was incredibly graceful as if he was born from high class royalty in Vienna. Every movement was full of force yet deliberately elegantly. It was effortless as if centuries of beauty culminated ultimately within him.

Kaname lifted his eyes and gazed at her. "Yes?"

Yuki blushed and quickly said, "Nothing. Oh I came to return your jacket…"

Kaname looked puzzled.

"The jacket you lend me at the cemetery?" Yuki started to panic a little bit.

"I remember," Kaname nodded.

"So how old are you Yuki?" Ichijou asked as he paused from eating.

"Seventeen."

"Ahhh… so young. It has been a while since I or Kaname was that age," Ichijou said with a reminiscent tone of the past.

"How old are you?" Yuki asked and took a bite of the steak.

"I am thirty this year and so is Kaname," Ichijou beamed.

"Really?" Yuki looked dumbfounded, "But you look twenty four."

"I have a baby face," Ichijou touched his cheek, "People have always mistaken me for someone younger. But Kaname doesn't have that problem."

Ichijou was a nice man who kept the dinner lively and fun. But Yuki felt her eyes dart toward Kaname once every couple of minutes.

Ichijou's phone suddenly rang. It turned out to be his girlfriend.

Ichijou mumbled an apologetic good-bye before leaving in a hurry.

Yuki became aware of how silent the house became without Ichijou with only the occasional screech of utensil against plate.

"So how are you feeling Mr. Kuran?" Yuki asked uneasily.

"I have a headache," he replied shortly.

"Do you need any aspirin?" She took out a white bottle from her bag. Noticing his questioning gaze, she explained timidly, "I have a friend of mine who is prone to headaches so I carry these around to ease it."

Kaname looked at her momentarily, until he realized that she was shifting uncomfortable and reached out his hand.

She dropped two white pills onto his open palm and he dry swallowed it.

"Do you like this friend?" Kaname asked.

"What?" she flushed, "Of course I like him. He is my friend."

"I mean romantically," Kaname pressed clean napkins against his lips. "Do you like him?"

Yuki was taken aback. "I… I did. I still kind of do I guess."

"Were you two ever together?" Kaname seemed to have taken a small interest in her.

"I don't know," Yuki said softly. "I mean, we were hanging out and I felt something. I thought he did too. But when I suggested that we should go out, he flat out rejected me. Things are awkward now."

"So what are you going to do now?"

"I still have feelings for him. Even though, my feelings are not what he wants. I still care about him, and I want to be there for him. That's why I still carry aspirin with me, you see." She zipped up her backpack as she tugged the white bottle back into its pouch.

Kaname's lips blossomed into a small smile.

Yuki's ears turned pink.

"I used to know a girl just like you. She didn't give up," Kaname's eyes turned soft and gentle. "Even when I told her explicitly that I have a girlfriend."

"What happened?"

"She died," Kaname closed up again. His eyes hardened and he looked squarely at her. "And I was the cause of it."

Yuki's eyes widened. "I am sure that's not…"

"It is getting late," Kaname interrupted her calmly. "I think it is time for you to go home."

He stood up. The chair squealed against the floorboard.

"I will drive you."

When Yuki got into the car, she had a flash back on her first ride with him. Silently driving through the suburban landscape, street lights flashed as they passed by smoothly.

Kaname glided to a stop before Yuki's house.

Yuki broke the still silence. "Please forgive my rudeness for speaking about your private life. I don't think the girl who loved you regretted anything."

Kaname stared at her in surprise.

"I don't think that is the case at all," Yuki smiled sweetly as she closed her eyes. Her long brown hair flew in the night wind. "If she really loved you, and I believe she did, then she could never regret knowing someone that she loved so much. I know I would not regret it. I think she would have rather not lived at all rather than living a life without you."

She gazed at him deeply in the eyes. "Good night Mr. Kuran."

"Thank you Yuki," Kaname's eyes gleamed strangely in the darkness and he smiled almost contently. It was as if he was seeing her for the first time.

---

"You idiot!" Zero yelled at her. "You went to a house whose owner you've met once! And you stayed for dinner? You could have put yourself in a really dangerous situation!"

"But I am fine," Yuki reassured, followed by nervous laughter. "See, he didn't do anything to me!"

"That is not the point!" Zero's voice grew exponentially at Yuki's feeble defense.

"Zero… people are staring at us," Yuki said as she ducked into a tree as they sat down to start eating lunch.

"I don't care. I can't believe how much of an idiot you are being," Zero lowered his voice, but it remained angry.

"He was a nice guy, and he lost his wife. He is not dangerous," Yuki explained as she bit into her sandwich that her father lovingly prepared in the morning. "He may be a little bit lonely, but he is certainly not bad."

"You insist that now," Zero rolled his eyes as he started on his school lunch burger.

"Whatever," Yuki dismissed his words and in an attempt to change the subject, asked, "Where is Yori? Is she at school today?"

"She wasn't in first period English," Zero replied. "I guess she is sick or something."

"So it is just the two of us today then," Yuki finished her sandwich and smiled at Zero.

Zero glanced at her and nodded. He picked up an apple and bit into it.

Yuki felt the food, bread and such, turn uncomfortable and dry in her mouth. "Hey Zero…"

"What?"he answered impatiently.

"Here," she handed him a bottle of aspirin. "You can have this for your headache."

Zero gazed her wordless, but did not take the pills. "Why? You always kept that for…" me, for me, he almost said.

She saw that he did not take it, so she placed it squarely in his palm. With courage swelling in her chest, she said, "Zero Kiryuu I have always been in love with you."

He didn't say anything. He already gave her a response two weeks ago.

She took a deep breath. "But I am going to give up on you. I should have been, but I didn't. Somewhere deep inside me, I hoped that you would like me back. But I realized now that it is wistful thinking."

Maybe because she was young and there were still many things she doesn't understand. She thought that it would be the best. Speaking with Mr. Kuran last night made her realized something. She didn't know exactly what, but his inability to move on inspired her to move forward. Maybe because the day was beautiful and the sun was still shining brightly in the sky, she was not that sad. More like a relief, it was like letting go of something heavy weighing down on her chest.

She thought that she will probably look at this day in her life, several decades later, and laugh at her own silly drama. But for now, this seemed like the most important event to her.

Zero looked at the grass, and answered, "I understand."

* * *

**Sarah**:

Sarah never denied her bitchiness.

For example, when she heard that whore who stole her boyfriend died, she sent a bouquet of blooming red roses to the funeral with a card that she personally wrote, "Good Riddance." Ichijou protested, but she replied icily, "She deserved it."

Sarah had a habit of planning her life out in a perfect neat order. She wanted to graduate from graduate school at twenty-four, seduce the perfect man at the same time, rise to a position of power at twenty-seven, and marry the perfect man at twenty-eight. There was an ultimate goal for every year and she tends to achieve it. With flying colors.

But something terrible happened that disrupted her plans at age twenty-five, due to her own carelessness, her perfect man, also known as Kaname Kuran, dumped her.

She got dumped. She never got dumped. Sarah Shirabuki does not get dumped.

She got dumped for that little whore, who was not as beautiful as she is, or even as perfect. She was careless that Kaname would not be seduced by a lesser being.

Kaname Kuran, who thrived under her careful evaluation, was a flawless male specimen. He was elegant and charming effortlessly, logical and intelligent without coming off as snobbish or bookish, and the ideal physique and surface beauty. On top of that, his lineage was quite pristine. She chose him and snatched him up to be her boyfriend.

"Sarah? Your expression is beginning to scare me," her boyfriend laughed nervously.

Sarah glared at him and smirked, "I was just thinking about unpleasant things."

"Did you have a bad day at work?"

Sarah touched her curls flippantly. "No, it was a good day. I fired two morons." She despised unintelligence, and those idiots were on her last nerves. She curled up on her bed and rested her head on Ichijou's lap.

"Sarah…" Ichijou smiled rather forcibly.

"What?" Sarah hissed.

Ichijou exhaled wearily, "Be nice to people."

Sarah rolled her eyes, and then winked at Ichijou, "I just want to be nice to you though…" She kissed him and reached for his pants. She was never one to wait.

---

"What the fuck is this bullshit?"

A lady should never curse, but according to old traditions, a lady could not work either. Her soft voice was neither loud nor irritated, but it was said in the most clear and beautiful tone. It was terrifying to her employees.

After reducing them to tears and dismissing them, Sarah turned to work. She is a very successful business woman. Of course, she didn't expect anything less from herself.

She had made lunch plans with her equally successful boyfriend at an expensive restaurant downtown, near her office.

She wanted all the best things life could offer, because she deserves all of it.

He was already waiting for her at their regular table.

"Hello," she greeted as she slipped into her chair. Her favorite wine was ready for her to take a sip.

"Your dish will be ready in five minutes," Ichijou added helpfully.

"Thank you," Sarah smiled. She didn't miss the envious glances thrown at her when she entered.

"So…" like usual, Ichijou asked his question. "Have you fallen in love with me yet?"

She replied without much thought, "No."

He didn't seem disappointed. He should be used to her response, which had been consistent for the last several years they've dated.

When they made the deal that he could date her under the rule that he only have three years to convince her to love him, she was a hot mess.

As Sarah mentioned before, she simply does not get dumped. Thus Kaname breaking up with her tore apart her confidence, rendering her slightly comatose. She recovered, barely in a few days and decided to check out the whore. It was a mistake on her part.

Her mind was not ready to see her former boyfriend, whom she had considered as her forever, holding hands with a blond woman. He was happier than she had ever seen him.

Her pride allowed her to hold up her head and walked outside like a queen. She made sure to appear in her full beauty. Her luxurious golden curls cascaded down her back. Her perfectly sculpted face carefully painted with make-up. Her body was scented, pale, and smooth. She was perfect. She was flawless.

But why did the sight of them crushed her? She didn't feel powerful or beautiful before them. The glow of that whore's happy face mocked her and made her felt grotesque.

It was raining outside. She didn't bring her umbrella this evening and it was below her to ask for assistance. She didn't want to go back to the party and she no longer desired to stay.

She cursed softly under her breath, weighting herself between the point ends of her high heels, and ran into the rain.

She fumbled with the key to her car. The wetness made it slippery and the keys fell.

Humiliation and shame accumulated in her chest and the cold heavy rain was ruining her Chanel dress. Her Gucci sandal was going to start peeling from standing in the puddle accumulated beneath her car.

She squatted down and felt blindly for her keys. Her perfectly curled hair was unraveling into flat, wet hair. The melting make up probably made her look like a monster.

She refused to believe that she was crying. It was probably the rain on her face.

"Sarah?" It stopped raining over her.

She looked up and saw his normally bright smiling face over hers.

"Sarah? Are you alright?" he repeated with a frown.

To be discovered in such pathetic state was unforgivable.

"What are you doing here?" Sarah stood up angrily and slapped the umbrella out of his hand with her backhand. Not waiting for his reply, she shouted furiously, "Are you here to mock me? Are you happy now that you can report back to Kaname?"

"I was just worried about you," Ichijou stammered. He didn't pick up his umbrella.

"Fuck you," Sarah hissed threateningly. "I was just looking for my car keys! I dropped them somewhere and I can't find it. I don't need your fucking pity. So Kaname and I broke up okay? And now he is prancing his new girlfriend all over the city. He obviously does not want me back"

"WHERE IS MY FUCKING KEY?" She screamed in frustration.

Ichijou looked taken aback and got on his knees. "I will look for your keys."

She leaned against the car and regained her composure.

Then she ended up driving him to her place to get a change of clothes. They were soaking wet by the rain. She gave him whatever shirt and pants Kaname left at her place, and then proceed to tear up her apartment for items from their romance, she threw it all in a large cardboard box, labeled it TRASH with a bold red lipstick that Kaname gave her for Valentine 's Day. It took a combined effort to drag it down to the dumpster and by that time it had stopped raining.

She invited him to the bar where she bought vodka shots off her tab. She didn't care, she told him. She just wanted to get fucked up.

She came up to him, swaying lightly, and smiled. "So how long have you liked me?"

"How long have you known it?" he took a sip of his drink. The same drink he had been holding for the past two hours.

"A while."

"How did you know?"

"I could always tell when a man wants me," she smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck. She leaned closer until he could feel the alcohol in her breath.

Ichijou chuckled and removed her arms and placed them her lap. "I don't just want you."

Meeting her confused eyes, Ichijou sighed and touched her face, "Let's make a deal."

"What deal?" she asked impatiently. She didn't care what he was going to ask of her. She just wanted to hook up with him.

She watched the blond man smiling like a cat toying with its meal. "I want you to be my girlfriend."

She might be drunk, but she was not stupid. "That's ridiculous. I could tap any ass I want in here for less. In fact, I'm sure they would love my no string attach policy."

His face turned serious, but he continued, "You can treat me as terrible as you want. But I want three years. Then you could dump me."

Sarah rolled her eyes. "Yeah sure whatever. Now can I jump you?"

Ichijou laughed, "Let's go back to your place."

That was how Sarah brokered the most annoying deal of her life and couldn't get out of it.

* * *

**Aidoh**:

The Newton's first law of motion: _Every body continues in its state of rest, or of uniform motion in a straight line, unless it is compelled to change that state by forces impressed upon it._

In Aidoh's opinion, life functioned like science. Everything worked the same way day after day, governed by the same physics that ruled the universe. Nothing is special. When an object with mass falls, it falls down, drawn by the earth's gravitational pull. It will always be inevitable to fall within the earth's gravitational pull.

In some way, Aidoh believed that that was why he was in love with Kaname Kuran.

His life, like the first law of motion, moved forward in a boring inertia until the day he met Kaname, propelled in a different direction by the feelings he never felt before.

Life before Kaname had always been easy for Aidoh: boy genius, wealthy family, and a relatively calm life, punctuated by the occasional fights with his parents about his lifestyle choices. Aidoh didn't see anything wrong with it as long as he was making interesting discoveries in the field of mechanical physics. It was all good.

Aidoh sipped his coffee as he waited for Kaname at the Starbucks around the corner of the latter's workplace.

He thought about the first time he was here and ironically, in about the same circumstance, except he had his favorite socialite cousin with him.

She had invited him out for a cup of coffee and he could not say no to her. They've been best of friends ever since they were toddlers and bonded over the wonderful world of dresses.

"My little coke whore," he kissed her affectionately on the cheeks.

"Oh Hanabusa," she cooed over a steaming cup of latte, "I am in love."

"Really?" he stated dryly. Did poor Kain finally profess his feelings? "With whom?"

"I don't know his name yet," she placed her hands on her cheeks. "But he is so dreamy."

"You sound like some airhead princess from a Disney cartoon," Aidoh remarked wryly.

She sighed absentmindedly with her eyes filled with stars. "I saw him at an event last night. We talked and then he left." Her happy smile weakened.

"You didn't even get his name?" Aidoh sounded surprised. His beautiful cousin usually could pocket a man's number immediately.

"Well no," she bit her perfect lips, "he had a girlfriend and she gave me the evil eye before taking him away from me."

Aidoh winced, "Ouch! Flirting with a taken man isn't like you though." She was too prideful to pry another man from other woman's fist.

"You don't understand," she gushed, "I think he is the one. You know, the one. I've never met anyone like him. He is like a prince from a fairy tale. So elegant and so beautiful. He is…"

"Tall, dark, and Handsome?" Aidoh smirked. This was getting ludicrous. "What about Kain?" His other cousin, though she and Kain were completely unrelated. She was his cousin through his mother's side, and he was by marriage from his maternal grandfather.

She made a face, but looked rather guilty. "What about him?"

Aidoh decided long ago that, if his pretty cousin didn't meet Kaname Kuran that day, she would have went on in life, having one night stands and short relationships until she discovered that man who had been silently by her side since they were children. But due to Newton's first law of motion, things that were rested have down been pushed by an unforeseen force, and they will now enter inertia.

"I always thought you two would go out," Aidoh said honestly.

"I will admit that we've been friends for a long time," she began briskly, "Fucking someone and dating someone are completely different things, which I am sure you know a lot about. And frankly, just because I sleep with him when I am drunk…"

Just what she was going to say after she sleeps with his other cousin trailed off and she caught something in her eyes.

"What is it?" Aidoh turned curiously and followed her gaze to see a familiar man getting into a cab.

"It is him!" she grabbed his arms and throttled it. "My dream prince!"

"Oh god you are not going to start singing are you?" Aidoh rolled his eyes. She was acting ridiculous to the point that he was getting second hand embarrassment. "But… I know him though."

He felt the hold on his arm tightened and he predicted a nasty bruise.

"You know?" her voice rose up a few pitches, "Tell me!"

"Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!" Aidoh pulled his hand back, "Let go! Jesus!" He rubbed his arm, trying to nurse back some broken capillaries.

"He is Kain's classmate. They were in Mathletes together in college. I saw a picture of the national championship a few years ago," he touched his arm tenderly and cringed, "Jesus Christ, just break my arm don't you?"

But she already dashed out the door with a quick, "love you!" before he could even blink.

Newton's second law: _The acceleration produced by a particular force acting on a body is directly proportional to the magnitude of the force and inversely proportional to the mass of the body._

Sometimes Aidoh wondered if he had done the wrong thing by telling her how to find Kaname Kuran, accelerating the disaster of what was to come. He added fuel to the fire and sometimes he wished he didn't. He loved his cousin dearly. They've been in everything together. From their first joint to her lost virginity, they shared nights of being fucked up by drugs of exotic nicknames he could not pronounce, and made out passionately in her dim apartment when they were both so inebriated and high that he could not remember that he loved sucking cock and she was the daughter of his father's favorite sister.

"Aidoh," he said his name as he sat down on the chair across and snapped Aidoh out of his idle thoughts.

"Good evening Kaname," Aidoh smiled. His coffee was already cold and lost its enticing aroma. "How are you?"

"Long day at work," Kaname replied shortly as he brushed his hair aside.

Aidoh looked carefully at the quiet man before him, and wondered why Kaname slept with him. He was probably just lonely. Every time they had fucked, which Aidoh could count in his head, it was always in cocaine induced haze.

Kaname was an easy man to fall in love with, but a difficult man to love. He was surprised his cousin could keep this long. Aidoh was desperately in love with Kaname, but he had accepted that he could never be loved by him and settled for what he could get.

Kaname started to talk about his work, and Aidoh's attention began to drift. Such a fascinate subject was Kaname's work.

They drank coffee together because their work was near and it was convenient.

Things fell in perfect order with a continuity that followed the rules laid down by the universe.

"Mr. Kuran?"

Kaname looked up to locate the source as Aidoh turned to see a young teenage girl. Then he glanced questionably at Kaname, who seemed to have recognized the girl.

"Good evening Yuki," Kaname greeted with a small smile. "What are you doing here?" The area they were in was the business section of downtown with grey skyscrapers and people of affairs hurrying to and fro. It was not the usual spot for younglings to hang out.

"I am eating out with my dad. He told me to wait here before he gets off. What about you and your friend, Mr. Kuran?"

Kaname noticing that he had never introduced the two, pardoned himself. "This is my wife's cousin. Aidoh Hanabusa."

"You mean deceased wife," Aidoh corrected. He didn't like to pretend that her death never happened, and pretending that she was still alive bought a tight feelings in Aidoh's chest that he rather ignore. She was dead, and he despised how it still felt as if someone had ripped his arm off him.

"Yeah," Kaname agreed absent-mindedly as if he didn't really hear Aidoh. "Decreased wife."

He was quiet for a moment, and then excused himself to the restroom.

Aidoh almost immediately regretted his big mouth. Now Kaname was going to act oddly all night.

He turned and looked at the young girl, who fidgeted awkwardly. He scoffed on her unremarkable prettiness, and decided that she was nothing compared to his cousin.

"I am Yuki Cross," the plain girl beamed quite attractively, an attempt to be friendly.

"Where did you meet Kaname?" Aidoh demanded directly.

She looked alarmed by his rudeness and gingerly replied, "At the cemetery. I was volunteering."

Aidoh sighed and crossed his arms. "I guess he was visiting her again."

"His wife?" Yuki added helpfully.

"Deceased wife," Aidoh hissed.

"You know," she suddenly looked at him in the eye, "I've heard about her a lot, but nobody said her name. What was her name?"

Her name… Aidoh's throat became tight and he found it hard to breath. He hadn't thought about her name in so long that it was rust from disuse. He and everyone had avoided saying her name as much as possible. It was just too painful for him to go on saying her name, remembering all the time they spent together, while she was dead, deceased, no longer existed. She was not here anymore. He will not be able to see her. She, who laughed and joked and flipped her blond hair with him, was dead.

He opened his mouth, trying to pronounce the simple syllables.

"Her name was Ruka," a soft voice answered for him. "Ruka Soen."

He spun around and saw that Kaname was back, watching them calmly.

Yuki appeared quite embarrassed. "I didn't mean to pry. I was just curious."

Kaname smiled lightly, "It's fine. Aidoh?"

Aidoh trembled even if he wanted to control it. It wasn't with sadness but anger. "How could you? How could you say her name like that?"

"Aidoh," Kaname whispered, his tone was low with warning, "Don't."

Aidoh snapped, "Don't tell me what to do? Ruka… she shouldn't have died! She was healthy and fine before… before she met you!" He was begun to draw curious attentions from people in the shop.

"Mr. Aidoh," Yuki stepped forward, "Please calm down."

"Don't tell me to calm down! I lost my best friend! Don't fucking tell me to calm down!" Aidoh pulled himself away from them; his chest rising and falling heavily.

Ruka… the beautiful Ruka… the sweet Ruka…

Ruke cold and lifeless, laying in a casket…

Newton's third law of Motion: _To every action there is always opposed an equal reaction; or, the mutual actions of two bodies upon each other are always equal, and directed to contrary parts._

"Hey Hanabusa!" she waved excitedly at him as she greeted him at the door.

Aidoh kissed her on the cheeks and whistled as he walked into her newly furnished home, completed with polished marble floors and designer furniture.

"How was your honeymoon?" Aidoh raised his eyebrows at the rather virginal flowing white dress she was wearing. His tone contained a bit of sarcasm that Ruka didn't notice.

"It was wonderful," she signed happily as she led him inside.

"Well," Aidoh grinned with ill intention and whispered in her ears, "I have a present for you."

Her face lit up. "What is it?" However, her expression faded when Aidoh produced a small zip lock bag with white substance from his pocket.

"Ohhh…" she didn't even touch the bag as she pushed his hand back. "No thanks."

Aidoh frowned. "First with the vestal virgin get-up, then no to good shit, what have you done to my best friend?"

Ruka appeared visibly upset and confused. "Hanabusa, I am not single and can afford to do these kinds of things anymore. I am married and soon I will have a child with Kaname."

"I am so sick of this!" Aidoh yelled at her, pale with livid, partly because he didn't understand her anymore, but mostly because he was scared. She was slipping away from him, speaking of things like marriage and having children. "Ever since you meet Kaname, it has been Kaname this, Kaname that. Do you even know what you want?"

"Hanabusa!" She stood up, her hand balled into a fist, but he laughed at the thought of her hitting him. She didn't have the guts, he decided spitefully.

"Look! I know you have always been in love with Kaname and I've overlooked it because you are my best friend. But this is enough! Kaname will never love you...!"

At first Aidoh didn't even realized what he had done until she was thrown back by the force of his strike onto the cushions of the sofa.

He stared at his hand, unable to comprehend his action.

Ruka's eyes brimmed with tears as she held her tender cheek.

"Ruka, I…" he tried to apologize.

"Get out," her voice was eerily soft.

"Ruka…"

"Get the fuck out!" her voice grew louder, absolutely shrill at the end

No one could quite dismiss him like Ruka did. At that point shame overtook and he turned away unable to look at her.

He stumbled out of the house, completely sickened with himself.

Tears blurred his vision as he hopped into his car and started to back out of the drive way.

So when Aidoh rushed out of the café after screaming at Kaname for speaking her name, he blindly searched for his bright red Ferrari and when he found it, he sat in the driver's seat, breathing deeply.

When he was able the drive again, the road became blurry with his tears as he allowed his mind to wonder into memories that he sealed away after her death.

He remembered well from the last time he saw her, alive. Their interactions were cold and awkward after their fight. They never recovered the same intimacy before her marriage.

He never liked going to hospitals. The smell of medical fluids permeated the white halls and made him sneeze. The walls were too white and the fluorescent light made everything too pallid and feeble.

There was never a good reason to go to a hospital. You were either sick or going to see someone else who was sick.

Aidoh glanced down at the piece of paper the woman at the front copied down for him when he inquired her room number.

Even if they were not best friends anymore, it was still common courtesy to visit a sick or pregnant friend in the hospital.

He carried a gift with him as he was not sure what one does at those hospital visits, so he bought a bottle of wine. He had learned in life that good alcohol is the only gift appropriate at any occasion.

435…436…437….

He stopped in front of her room.

He raised a hand to knock, but pondered how she would look. Pregnant women always looked fat and disgustingly happy. But no one in the hospital should be looking disgustingly happy.

He knocked, and allowed himself in after a feeble, "Come in."

The woman on the bed didn't look pregnant. Sure, the swelled up belly was unmistakably carrying a little Kaname or Ruka in it. Elsewhere, her body contained only skin and bones. Her cheeks appeared sunken in, and she looked unhealthily pale. There were dark circles under her eyes and a sort of transparency about her, as if she was disappearing. She didn't look well. In fact, she looked terrible.

"Wow," Aidoh smirked, "You look like shit." He was expecting a witty remark back, but instead she smiled, or maybe grimaced, he couldn't tell, and replied, "I know."

He plunged down on the collapsible chair next to the bed and handed her the hastily picked up wine.

At first her face looked surprised and then she chuckled a bit before putting aside the bottle. "Thank you for the thoughtful gift."

Aidoh shrugged.

She settled more comfortably into her pillows.

"Aidoh could you pull the curtains together?" she asked lightly, closing her eyes.

"Sure," he leaned over and did as she asked. The room became devoid of the orange sun set.

"Thank you," she breathed shallowly. He could hear where the air scraped past her lungs.

"So what's wrong with you?" he talked to Kain on the phone, but he was explaining in medical language and he didn't bother to listen to closely.

"Just some complication with my body, not suitable to give birth," Ruka said, touching her stomach lovingly. Her face lightened up with maternal grace.

"But you will be fine right?"

"Frankly," she looked away into some unforeseeable distance, with an expression that she had already known what was to come, "I think I am going to die."

"Quit being melodramatic!" Aidoh rebuked quickly, glaring at her.

She continued as if she didn't hear him. "When I am not here anymore, do you think you could take care of Kaname? Maybe help him a bit with our child… Kaname could be awfully immature. Do you think you could do that for me Aidoh?"

Aidoh flat out refused her. He didn't even think about it. The thought of her dying frightened him. She was too young to die. She was about to be a mother, what kind of mother thinks about leaving their child?

Ruka sighed and touched Aidoh's hair as if she were his mother. Aidoh wanted to slap her hands away, but he didn't find the strength to.

"Things have been strange between Kaname and I. I found out some things about him and I am worried about what will happen to him after I am gone. But at least he will not be lonely with our child. However, I would be more comfortable if someone I trust could be there for them," she spoke slowly as if she was choosing her words wisely.

Aidoh didn't reply.

"Oh… Aidoh," she leaned over and touched his forehead with her own. "Please don't cry. Aidoh, you know that I hate to see you cry."

"I am not crying," Aidoh lied. "I am not crying!"

"Aidoh…" she hugged him tightly.

"Promise me that you will not die," Aidoh said angrily. "Or I will not agree to whatever you want me to do. If you die, I will make sure you regret it."

Ruka chuckled and patted him back reassuringly. "Oh fine, you stubborn bastard." She sounded like her old self again. "I promise I won't croak."

Aidoh wiped his eyes with his sleeve. "Fat bitch."

"Thank you Aidoh."

He couldn't see her face, but he was sure she was smiling.

Then her warmth disappeared from his grasp.

He was in his car, parked in front of Kain's apartment. Not in that hospital, not in her room. Not feeling that cold air brushing against the small of his back. Not smelling that disgusting hospital stench.

But Ruka… Ruka… Ruka is dead.

Burying his face against the steering wheel, Aidoh burst into loud sorrowful tears that he never allowed himself to shred. He cried for Kaname who will never return his love, for Ruka who placed so much hope in a dead future, but he also cried for himself, who couldn't save her. He cried for those who have lost and never found, but also for those who lost and never realized .But more importantly he cried for what was, what could have been, and what will never be.

_"Oh Hanabusa," she cooed, "I am in love."_

_

* * *

  
_

**Kain**:

_"Leave with me…"_

_"We can go away to a place where no one knows who we are… please leave with me."_

"Do you get this feeling that everything in life is planned?" she asked as she lounged on his bed, taking a break from her homework.

"What do you mean?"

"Like we could never make our own decisions since we are all following down this path that others planned for us?"

When she saw his blank look, she shrugged and smiled brightly. "Never mind."

Then his cell phone rang and he picked up and it was her again, except she sounded dangerously drunk. He was no longer in his innocent adolescent room, but watching a football game played by various Harry Potter characters in his college dorm that smelled like foot. The sudden change of setting didn't startle him, rather he regarded it as the most natural thing.

"Can," she was attempting while failing to sound coherent, "you… pick me up?" He could hear people chatting in the background and the loud music from clubs thumping in the background

"Where are you?"

"I don't really know…" she giggled.

Next thing he knew, he was carrying her back to her place. She stunk of alcohol and it was nearly five in the morning. She passed out of his back, snoring softly.

He placed her down on her bed, and sighed dejectedly.

He wondered what had gotten into her recently. It was as if she had gone crazy, rejecting her family and taking up terrible habits with Aidoh.

He touched her forehead, feeling its hotness. He wondered if he should go get a cup of water for her when she wakes up in the morning.

To his surprise, she began to struggle to sit up in her bed, groaning lightly.

"Are you alright?" he asked with concern.

She replied with another groan and stumbled to the bathroom. When she came out, she looked much better. She had washed the smeared old make up off her face and brushed her teeth.

She fell down on her bed, looking quite pained. "My head feels like shit."

"Do you want to get some pain killers?"

"No," Ruka refused. "I will be fine. Thank you for taking care of me."

She smiled happily and kissed him.

She tasted minty like her toothpaste. It was the first time they've kissed even though he had been dreaming of this ever since they both hit puberty.

She felt soft under his fingers, and….

Kain woke up by the pounding against his door. He had fallen asleep while grading his student's essay.

He staggered to the door. He didn't bother to check who it was. The only person who would show up so rudely late at night was the one and only…

"That took you a while," Aidoh grumbled as he entered.

"I was sleeping Hanabusa. What are you doing here?" He closed the door and followed after Aidoh's footsteps.

"I got in a fight with Kaname," Aidoh finally said after he stared at Kain for five minutes.

"Really?" Kain raised an eyebrow. "That's fascinating. Thank you for waking me up with this wonderful information."

"He said her name, and it just set something off inside me," Aidoh explained bitterly. "I blew up."

"Ruka?" Kain pronounced her name without difficulties.

Aidoh frowned. "It is just weird, hearing that name from him. He never said her name and he just did."

Kain fell back against the soft comfort of his sofa. He pondered briefly why he was having this conversation. "Maybe he is finally getting over her death," he suggested.

Aidoh was silent for a moment. "Maybe, but it feels so wrong to me, like he should still be upset. Her death fucked him up, but I don't want to him to return to the way he was. I want him to always be affected by her, at the same time I don't. I am confused."

"That is what death does: it changes things," Kain said patiently. "But time heals. It had already been almost two years. Kaname needs to start healing. I don't think he will ever forget her."

Aidoh bit his lips, "Then are you? Are you healing?"

Kain didn't answer. "She will always be dear to me," he finally spoke quietly.

"You took her death more calmly than any of us, but you were the closest to her…"

Kain laughed bitterly, "Closest? I was only there when she has… had no one to turn to."

There were many frantic calls in the middle of nights. He stayed up with her, listening to her problems.

She cried in his arms when her marriage had problems, and he helped her out.

One night she hurried over without much explanation after a fight with Kaname, very much like this night.

She looked pale, still shivering in her night gown.

"Ruka? What's wrong?" it was not like her to be so quiet and shaking. Usually she just vents her frustration and then goes back to her husband to talk more peacefully. Kaname always knew she came to him.

"I think I am going to be sick," she mumbled to herself and ran to the bathroom, dry gagging on the toilet.

Kain made hot tea and waited until she was ready to talk to him. After all, that was what she came to him for.

But for the first time, she didn't seem to want to share. She only sat quietly. Her lips moved silently as she looked up.

"It is so disgusting, so gross," she buried her face in her hand. "I don't know how I can touch him after that."

Despite his fierce warning, Kain couldn't but help to feel something deep inside him come alive.

"I don't know how I can go back to him, talk to him, be with him," she continued with a look of deep revulsion.

"What do you mean?" Kain asked breathlessly. He knew it was wrong. It was a friend's wife he was speaking to, but… it was not fair. He loved her first. He saw her first. Kain suppressed those biased feelings.

He wanted to say those words that cannot be spoken.

_"Leave with me…"_

_"We can go away to a place where no one knows who we are… please leave with me."_

She exhaled, trying to calm her jittered feelings down. "I've talked to you the difficulties that I've had with Kaname. He is not a very affectionate man, and always so cold and rational. He never understands me, nor does he bother to try to. I tried talking to him about this tonight after he got off work. I got close to make him tell me the reason he hides all his feelings from me…"

"What did he say?"

She swallowed. Her expression became unsure and her lips trembled, "He told me he never loved me, but…" she appeared nauseated, completely repulsed, "he told me that his uncle used to…" She was unable to allow herself to say the word.

"His uncle… used to abuse him…" she closed her eyes as if the word tasted like mucus, "sexually."

"What?" Kain stood up, "Has he ever told anyone this? Ruka," against his better judgment, or rather self-preservation, Kain said, even if it pained him, "If he confesses something of this magnitude to you, you can't just walk away from him. You love him remember?"

"But," Ruka bit her lips, "but how can I deal with that? It is so disgusting. When he said that, I just wanted to leave the room."

"Ruka," Kain took her soft hand into his own, "Listen to yourself and what you are saying. Clearly, Kaname trusted you enough to tell you this. He was abused as a child. This is not like some careless little thing. He needs someone to be there for him. Remember that you love him. How would you feel if he abandons you, when you need him?"

Ruka stared at him. "Have I done something wrong?"

"You still can make it up. You just didn't know how to deal with it," Kain sighed, "Go to him."

Ruka stood up and embraced him tightly. Kain didn't trust himself to hug her back. He wanted her to stay. He wanted to beg her to leave Kaname.

"Thank you Kain," she smiled weakly. "I will be going back now because I love him and that's what you do for someone you love."

Oh the things you do for love… Kain thought.

Ruka later asked him not to repeat what she told him to anyone else. He agreed, but was a bit upset that she asked. She should know his character better.

He knew after that night he could never ask her to be with him. He pushed her to be with Kaname. He could have acted in his own interest and…

_"Leave with me…"_

_"We can go away to a place where no one knows who we are… please leave with me."_

But he didn't. Now he had finally lost her, forever.

However, she always haunted his dream, yet he didn't mind it. He didn't mind it at all, because that was the only place she was still alive.

"Come with me," he said to her.

Her long blond hair blew in the wind and her green eyes shone brightly in the sunlight. She turned and smile.

"I love you for so long. So please…"

"Of course," Ruka gave him a toothy grin and kissed him. "I would go anywhere with you. I love you."

The words he never spoken and the words that never existed became vivid in his dreams.

* * *

**Kaname**:

_The snow was wet and cold against his touch._

_When he exhaled heavily, his breath clouded his vision._

_He had crawled a few meters in the whiteness and his escaping body heat had melted the snow. Cold water seeping through his clothes and he could feel the painful iciness in his bones. His hands and feet were numb; he could not feel them anymore._

_His body felt weighted down. He could not lift a muscle to move forward._

_He was losing strength as he gave up the effort the crawl and simply laid in the cold snow. All he could see was whiteness, as the blizzard came down stronger, burying his vision._

_He could not feel the blood streaming from his wrist where he had sliced a deep wound. But it flowed freely, carrying his life away from him. Blood dripped onto the pale snow, leading a small path after him._

_Drip… Drip…_

_The whiteness dimmed slowly and all he could think about was apologizing to his parent._

_Is he going to die?_

---

Though there were patches of brightness and darkness in his life, Kaname have never thought of it as a bad life.

Some events of his life affected him more than other; he regarded it as a natural consequence. In some way the events of his life shaped the way he handled his affairs, more importantly his marriage. Maybe it was because he preferred privacy, only a few people knew the details of his life that he divulged at rare times. The death of his wife, whom he started to speak more intimately to at the time of her death, caused him to fall into an emotional coma. Naturally the radical reasoning of her death is hemorrhage in her abdomen, which he had no part in. However, he couldn't help, but feel a strange devastation in the pit of his stomach that he caused it. He told her the truths about him that made her wished to give him a family. He had known of her fragility, yet it was his own greediness that prevented him from speaking against the idea of a child. Her death was caused by him, and he could recognize that. He knew he could have convinced her to abandon the idea, but he was enchanted by the image she presented to him, a beautiful hope.

Yet when he spoke her name, which he had not done so since her death, all he felt was a sweeping relief. There was no longer that crushing sensation of his insides, but only a light sorrow dusting, deeper yet less painful.

He did not realize how easy it was to think about her, until he allowed himself to for the first time in two years. He avoided her thought thoroughly.

When he relayed that to Ichijou later on the phone, the latter sighed in content, and said that he was finally forgiving himself.

"Kaname?"

He looked up into the concerned eyes of Mr. Cross, Yuki's father. "Sorry, I was thinking about work."

Mr. Cross is the superior in the company he works for, father of Yuki, and an old family friend. It didn't come as a surprise to Kaname. He should have known.

When Mr. Cross came to get Yuki and found her chatting with Kaname, he offered to invite Kaname along to dinner.

Kaname agreed to it without listening to the question, and before he knew it, he had intruded on a family dinner.

"I didn't know that you knew Mr. Kuran," Yuki said to her father.

"We work in different departments, but I've talked to him before," Mr. Cross replied, smiling and winking at Kaname. "He is the head of the accounting sector."

"Mr. Kuran is an accountant?"

Kaname looked up. "Why do you sound so surprised?"

Yuki sputtered and blushed, "I just thought you would be some heir to the throne or CEO. You don't seem like an accountant."

Kaname smiled. "Sorry to disappoint you, but my uncle is the CEO and I suspect his son is the heir. I don't have any part in his company."

Yuki realized that she was being awfully uncouth, and felt ashamed.

Mr. Cross sighed and took a bite of his food. "How is your mother Kaname?"

"She is fine. Thank you for asking," Kaname answered politely.

"Send my regards to her," Mr. Cross finished his food.

"She will be happy to hear from you," Kaname took a sip of his wine.

Yuki put her fork and knight down. "You know his family too?"

"I went to college with Mrs. Kuran," Mr. Cross said simply, "She was already married to Mr. Kuran when I met her."

Yuki was flabbergasted. "How come I never hear about them?"

Mr. Cross frowned as he wiped his hands on the napkin on his laps. "I took you to Kaname's wedding years back."

Yuki thought for a moment, "I don't remember that completely."

"You were the child that slept through most of the ceremony," Kaname recalled and he laughed. "I remember Mr. Cross was trying to wake you up."

Yuki flushed deeply and she wanted to find a hole to hide her face.

After dinner, Kaname prepared to get home. They stopped near the garage before bidding goodnight.

Before that Mr. Cross asked Yuki to find the car first, he needed to speak to Kaname alone.

"You seem much better than last year," Mr. Cross sighed, "I am relieved."

"Recently, I've realized something important," Kaname said quietly, leaning against the wall, "It is strange. I can't completely explain what I felt, but I feel alive. For the first time since she died, I want to live. I can finally let go of her."

"You have grown up a lot since fifteen," Mr. Cross smiled and stroked Kaname's hair in a fatherly manner.

Kaname straightened up and grinned, "It had been many years since then. I like to think I've matured."

Mr. Cross's expression turned stern. "Oh the other hand, I believe my daughter has a crush on you."

Kaname let out a clear laugh. "It is easy to see why. Yours truly is a very charming and handsome man. Like father, like daughter."

"Kaname," Mr. Cross growled.

Kaname smiled, "Please don't worry. I will not encourage it. I date within legal boundaries."

Mr. Cross glared at the younger man, then smirked. "My daughter is waiting. I need to go."

"Good night," Kaname waved.

"Have a nice evening."

When Kaname got home, he checked his email when he got out of the shower between drying his hair and calling Ichijou.

He pondered about his life. He needed a change. The house still felt too foreign and lonely to him.

He called Ichijou who just left after his girlfriend's apartment after a fight. He listened to his best friend rant for about half an hour about how his girlfriend always pick a fight with him even if he had nothing to do with the bad day she had.

Kaname paid little attention to this weekly Ichijou rant since he knew by tomorrow, they would be cuddled up somewhere, all fine and dainty.

He clicked a few times, deleted the spams, and interrupted Ichijou's monologue.

"What?" Ichijou was cut off at an intense period of soliloquy and was irritated.

"My parents are coming for Christmas…" Kaname rubbed his forehead wearily.

"What?" This time the annoyance changed into incredulous. "How do you know?"

"My dad wrote me an email, telling me when to pick them up."

Ichijou said something sympathetic, but Kaname didn't hear it. He was too busy, thinking how to avoid his parent's habit of interrogating his love life and trying to set him up with every available single woman. They lost their vigor after he got married and widowed, but Kaname got a feeling that they, specially his mother, decided that he had enough time to recover. She had wanted grandkids since he entered puberty.

She often stared at him and whined how she gave birth to this great looking face and he is not even using the combined greatness of her and his father's gene to be a womanizer.

To summarize, his parents were difficult to deal with.

Ichijou murmured something about his girlfriend calling and hung up. Kaname smirked at how the said woman has Ichijou by the balls. Kaname never have allowed this to happen.

He replied to the email and thought about Mr. Cross.

Then he wondered about Aidoh, and sighed, "I guess that's the end of it."

He was never interested in pursuing anything beyond physical relations, but he should have known not to take advantage of Aidoh's harmless crush on him. If Ruka was here, she would have divorced him for that. Maybe he did it out as revenge to Ruka's death, which devastated him.

But Kaname grazed his wrist, where the scar faded so much that he could only feel the smooth, fragile skin underneath his touch. Nothing of such sadness will ever drive him to this foolish act.

He feels far away from the young painful days of his youth, rather disconnected. It was like his current life and former life divided into two separate universes.

Yet in both lives, as if it were a dream, he had everything he could possibly wanted, but then suddenly he lost everything. It was like an orgasm, going higher and higher, better and better, faster and faster, until he crashed and every sensation disappeared and he was left, feeling strangely empty.

Kaname tried to sleep, but when he closed his eyes, he was in that damned hospital, sitting on some bench by the surgery room. He couldn't go inside. He couldn't go see her screaming and rolling in pain.

His head was clouded, filled with words he didn't understand the meaning of. She went into labor earlier than predicted. The pain had started in the morning, but they kept her in the hospital room until the conception became more and more frequent. She kept squeezing his hand, and her thin face paled. She reassured him that it was normal to be so uncomfortable. She kept talking about when they bring the baby home and how wonderful it would be.

He had been here since nine o'clock this morning. Nurses kept going in and out of the room, laced with bloody gloves. Their expressions restrained with sympathy and tension. He covered his face. The doctor reported to him grimly every several of hours.

When they waved him in, Ruka looked already dead. Her face was grey and her eyes were closed. Her arm was limp, drooping off the side of the bed. The only sign that she was alive was her rising and falling chest. She looked tired and dead.

He saw the nurse wrapped the baby in a blanket but he couldn't summon up any paternal love for the child she risked her life to have. It was just this foreign object that he couldn't care less about. It was a small blue-ish monkey, fragile and quiet. He had no feeling for it.

The nurse came forward and asked to ask to speak with him.

He didn't want Ichijou to hear the conversation, so he agreed to back into the distant corner of the delivery room.

"Is there something wrong with the baby?"

"The doctor didn't tell you?"

"No." He didn't listen to what the doctor was saying at all.

"He wasn't alive."

"You mean…"

The nurse explained, but Kaname didn't care to listen. The child was dead already. Shame. He remembered the time he felt the baby kick in her stomach. Inside Ruka, he was alive, but outside, he died.

"I'm sorry," the nurse apologized and went away.

Kaname walked toward Ruka, who opened her eyes weakly and smiled.

"Have you seen our child?" she looked terrible. He remembered the day they got engaged where she appeared all bright and beautiful.

"Yes," he nodded and tried to mirror her smile. "He is a fine boy. He has your blond hair. I didn't see the eyes yet, but I imagine it would be your eyes." He lied flawlessly. She will be upset at him later, but he needed her right now. He had this horrible feeling that she…

"I want him to have your eyes though," she sighed feebly, but abruptly her eyes turned wide open and she gasped and squeezed his hand. Her nail dug into his palm.

"Please don't cry..." It was hard for her to speak. She tried to smile, but it looked like a grimace.

The monitor started beeping loudly. The nurses pushed him out of the delivery room. They surrounded her. He couldn't see what they were going to her. Ichijou was next to him, trying to calm him down.

One of the nurses rushed out, and he grabbed her brusquely, "What's going on?"

"Kaname you are scaring her," Ichijou took his hand off.

"Your wife is hemorrhaging. It is very dangerous," she snapped and left.

He went over to the bench and sat down. Ichijou sat down next to him.

They waited a long time. Sometime he could see her face through the window. She looked grey.

He looked down and felt strangely empty. He tried to think. But he could not think. He was filled with horror. He could not think. He started to pray. He never believed, but he prayed.

Don't let her die. Please don't let her die. Please please please, don't die. Oh god, I would do anything. I will do anything just please don't make her die. You can take the baby. You can have the baby. Just don't let her die. Don't let her die. Oh god, she can't die. Oh god. Oh god, don't let her die. You took the baby already, just don't take her. Don't take her. Please don't take her. Dear god, just please, please, don't make her die.

She had one hemorrhage after another. Nurses kept hurrying in and out. After a few hours, they allowed him in. He couldn't recognize the doctor with the mask on. He sat down next to the bed and looked at her and held her hand until she died. It took her a long time to die. She was unconscious through it.

* * *

Kaname came to her grave early that morning. He brought a bouquet of roses with him that he bought when he passed the florist.

There were already fresh calla lilies on her grave when he arrived. Drew clung on its white petals. Kaname wasn't surprised as he placed the bouquet down and gazed briefly at the stone.

Someone was here.

"Morning Kain," Kaname smiled at the man standing behind him. "So you've been the one with the flowers."

Kain didn't say anything for a moment. "Her favorite flower was calla lilly."

Kaname turned to look at the tombstone. "She told me roses."

"I know," Kain's expression didn't change. He turned and left without saying good bye.

Kaname sat down on the wet grass without thinking. He started speaking to Ruka for the first time in years. He told her all he thought of her and everything that had happened since her death. It was the first time he had spoken to her so freely. He told her that he misses her and his parents were coming to visit for Christmas.

It started snowing as words flowed from his mouth and he thought about the memories that snow always bought him.

He told her that after he attempted suicide because being molested by his uncle for five years convinced him that he wished for release in the form of death but, he realized that his will to live didn't allow him to die. When Takuma found him in the snow, he was glad that he was alive.

He smiled at the memories. It wasn't a bad one. He remembered when he opened his eyes and saw Takuma's crying face, he was happy.

Kaname confessed that he was a mess after her death. He felt as if he had lost everything after he thought they would finally be happy together. He wanted a family with her, and when she died, he felt like a part of himself died with that dream.

However, he learned that as long as he is alive, there will always be tomorrow.

He said that he would always miss her and always think about her. But, he continued, in some way, this is a goodbye.

He heard some voice calling his name.

It was a young girl in heavy coat. It was Yuki.

He smiled and greeted.

She replied and said that it was noon already, and the snow is getting quite heavy. He should not sit like that or he would get a cold.

She asked him if he had eaten lunch already. He shook his head.

Yuki invited him to lunch.

"Yes I would like to have something to eat."

He smiled and watcher her blush a deep pink.

The weather may be chilling, but the warmth spread deep in his heart.

* * *

A/N: My favorite part to write was Aidoh. It was fun writing him. I may be shipping one-sided Aidoh/ Kaname...

Some people may wonder why I didn't pair Yuki and Kaname up. I tried, but I just don't think that Kaname could at this point with Yuki who is in high school. He only sees Yuki as a young teenager with a harmless crush on him, and he would continue to see Yuki that way until probably several years into college. He is also about thirteen years older than Yuki, so they can't be together at this time.

But the point of the story was to write about a person who is the center of the plot, but never actually appeared in the story itself. Ruka never appeared in the present time of the story( well,she was quite dead). She was only introduced through flashbacks and thoughts of other people, but she is the most fleshed out character.


End file.
